Multiple sources have confirmed that thousands of University of Michigan students opened their email inboxes last Monday evening to discover that their ultimate match is objectively a two.
“All my friends got ugly people, and everyone else we know got ugly people too,” noted Macy Chan, a junior in Biology, adding that she was hoping for the algorithm to pair her with someone at least a bit more bonkable. “I guess everyone who took this survey must’ve been really desperate,” she concluded.
“It’s a bummer to realize that my soulmate might not even be hot,” remarked LSA freshman Daniel Hicke. “It really is about personality for me, but I was seriously hoping that my spiritual complement would be doable without 150 proof liquor.”
“Here I was, just a hopeless romantic looking to find my beau idéal,” reported senior Isaak Kristofferson. “Now that I know he’s squarely in rat-face territory though, I kind of want to scrap the whole thing,” stating further that he wished he “didn’t leave that stupid poem for the hideous fuck along with his Instagram handle in the ‘Leave a Message’ field.”
The algorithm reportedly considered various factors to generate the perfect match for participants, collecting extensive data on sexual preferences, political leanings, religious beliefs, and more, only to spit out a swamp monster.
“I don’t know, I was pretty happy with my match. I think I’ll ask him to go get lunch this week,” said area one Harriet Simmons about her prospective husband, a freshman dud pushing two-point-five.
“Countless survey-takers are reporting completely unbangable matches,” said Marriage Pact creator Gemma Gladstone. “To that I say try meeting up with an open mind and a broken heart, and then maybe they’ll get bumped up to a four. Definitely workable stuff.”
“Maybe I’ll just get back with my ex,” noted countless survey-takers at press time.
