Study Finds 98% Of Campus Microaggressions Play-Acted By Members Of UMetc

UMetc members responded to criticism of their most recent performance with a recitation of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘The White Man’s Burden.’

A new study from the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion has revealed that up to 98% of campus microaggressions reported at the University of Michigan were play-acted at each other by members of the University of Michigan Educational Theatre Company, also known as UMetc.

Ensemble members of all backgrounds were observed hurling a relentless slew of offensive one-off statements about their peers’ ethnicities, sexual orientations, socioeconomic statuses, and disabilities over the course of just one 60-minute rehearsal in the Student Activities Building last week, constituting almost the entirety of campuswide ignorance and bigotry for that evening.

The theatre troupe’s most recent performance reportedly originated an impressive array of derogatory statements, disrespecting an unprecedented percentage of the University of Michigan community for comedic effect. In alignment with its mission of cultivating a welcoming environment for incoming students, the diverse cohort of performers trafficked in the full spectrum of homophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, class discrimination, ableism, and victim blaming, making light of prevalent campus bias and insensitivity towards this end.

“Yeah, orientation was pretty much just 200 freshmen in Angell Hall watching some kids on-stage joke about the Asian kid in class doing all their groupwork, then calling him a ‘chinaman’,” noted LSA freshman Parker Willis. “It was kind of a downer,” Willis added, wondering “how they got away with that shit.”

When reached for comment, UMetc actor Apple Summers referred to a passing female student wearing leggings as a “dumb slut” and pondered out loud whether the black student seated at the table next to her was a collegiate athlete.

At press time, UMetc members were deep in the throes of a brainstorming session for their latest skit chock-full of intolerance and hostility, pooling their combined prejudice to create brand-new and never-before-heard dehumanizing hate speech to perform in rainbow tees.

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