As Thanksgiving approaches, Americans across the nation are reportedly finding themselves in a bind to come up with even a single thing for which they are grateful.
“Oh man, I should’ve started thinking about this earlier,” said area man Ronnie Davis in reference to the annual tradition of giving thanks for what we have. Witnesses attest that Davis is surrounded by a loving family, works a stable job with room for advancement, and recently learned he has a grandchild on the way. “I guess maybe I’m thankful for the Detroit Lions’ new offense?”
“I’m thankful for you, honey,” said area woman Pamela Johansen, when prompted by her partner Rachel for an answer to the age-old Thanksgiving question. “Oh wait, I said that last year too, didn’t I?”
In an attempt to give themselves more time to come up with something to be grateful for, countless American adults have reportedly begun implementing the strategy of asking the same question to their kids.
“Let’s go around and all think of something we’re grateful for,” said state representative and small-town millionaire Lucy Cox to her family at dinner. “Kids, you first.”
“I’m thankful my teacher was out sick today so I got to skip 6th period,” said Cox’s daughter Emily, with no regard for the young girls all over the world being denied their right to an education at that exact moment.
At press time, millions of Americans couldn’t wait to get up early the next day and accumulate even more possessions on Black Friday.