Hello everyone, it’s me, Santa Claus. Christmas Time is always busy for me, as you may have guessed, so I have to keep this brief. I’ve been working super hard for a long time, and it’s hard to stay motivated sometimes, and I just want to know if any of you out there really believe in me. I mean, do you guys think I can still do this?
I don’t mean to seem pathetic, but it’s just that I support all the world’s children, and I feel like I don’t get any support back. I can’t rely on Mrs. Claus anymore; she’s always out with her girlfriends doing God knows what. I feel like she might be cheating on me. I probably shouldn’t have told you that; I’m sorry.
I might just be lonely. The elves are horrible company. They’re so small I can barely hear them. And why does everyone assume they speak English? Elvish is an extremely difficult language to understand, and I’ve been way too busy to learn. And the reindeer… remember how they shunned Rudolph because he had a different colored nose? Imagine if Rudolph wasn’t even a reindeer. That’s my situation! They don’t do well with difference, so I have nobody to talk to.
I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m a total workaholic. I don’t even know why — because this job is so miserable. You want to know how long I’ve been doing this? 1,676 years. 1,676 Christmases in the North Pole. That’s 1,676 years working this dead-end job. And it is COLD up here. You think Seasonal Affective Disorder is a problem for you? I live in the North Pole. I’m not made for this frozen Hell. It’s so depressing and so cold. I’m going insane.
I’m sorry for that rant. I hope you don’t feel like Santa is letting you down. Just do me a favor? Start believing in me a little bit. Happy Holidays, everybody.