Krampus, the Christmas demon who punishes naughty children, recently vocalized his unprecedented excitement to visit former United States Vice President Dick Cheney.
The half-goat, horned monster is said to “punish evil, misbehaving children all over the globe, spending the last seven hundred years building a reputation for being the most ruthless administrator of discipline in history.”
“It’s always ‘Santa this’ and ‘Santa that,’ but no one wants to admit that someone has to deal with the shitty kids. We all know they’re not all winners,” remarked Krampus, carrying a flaming scythe. “And Dick Cheney is absolutely the most nefarious little bastard on my list this year.”
Claiming that he and Cheney “go way back,” Krampus justified Cheney’s naughty list designation by pointing out his involvement in “countless oil spills, ruthlessly unchecked capitalism, and definitely 9/11.”
When pressed on his plans, the demon casually responded through thousands of teeth, “I’m not quite sure what we’re gonna do this year. I thought about going with coal, but that wouldn’t be much of a punishment. That mischievous little freak could just regift it to his friends in the industry —they’d love it.”
“I just genuinely can’t wait to see Dick in a few weeks — this year might be the best since George H.W. Bush died,” he said, reportedly having been seen purchasing various torture instruments with a giddy look on his face. “I’ve been toying around with the idea of a good spanking.”