Report: Alice Fucking Sherman Chosen To Play Mary In Christmas Pageant

Sherman reportedly also has perfect attendance.

Sources at Gerald H. King Elementary School are reporting that none other than Alice Sherman was cast to star as Mary in the Christmas Pageant, no surprise to anyone.

“And the role of Mary goes to…” announced theater director Mrs. Libby on Friday afternoon, hesitating as if she really had no idea which student’s name she was about to read from the cast list.

“Are you flipping kidding me?” said fellow fifth grader Samantha Olsen, who was cast as Palm Tree #3. “But then again, she did get a 107% on the spelling quiz last week, so why am I even surprised?”

According to classmates, the radiant Sherman had become notorious for her level of over-achievement in all areas, both inside and outside the classroom.

“Alice is first flute in Youth Orchestra, and every week she shows up with annoying little stickers on her flute case from her private instructor,” said classmate Claire Jenkins.

“Plus, she already has the fire-starter badge, even though she just joined Girl Scouts last week,” the wide-eyed Jenkins later added.

Sources confirmed that the parents of King Elementary School were also less-than-thrilled with the announcement of the most recent of Sherman’s accolades.

“Of course that brown noser got chosen for the role of Mary,” said parent Maxine Pepple, whose daughter Olivia had been passed over for the role three years in a row. “God, sometimes you just want to strangle the little bitch.”

At press time, Alice Sherman was spending her Saturday handing out homemade Christmas cookies at the local retirement home with her mother.

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