Scientists have recently made a breakthrough in dairy science.
It has been reported that chemists have mixed whole milk with half-and-half creamer in order to create what they are calling “75% Milk.”“We’re not really sure exactly what the purpose of this stuff is,” said Cheryl Ferguson, head chemist at the U.S. Army Milk Division, “but we made it. 100% pure, 75% milk.”
The dairy industry has been in turmoil due to the growing popularity of eco-friendly dairy alternatives such as almond, soy, and oat milk. Chemists and marketing gurus alike believe that 75% Milk has the potential to revive the dying industry.
“Yeah, we haven’t really had much to do lately,” said Don Johnson, one of the scientists who created the liquid prototype. “We’ve been trying to find something to compete with all these new dairy alternatives, and were honestly kind of out of ideas. This new stuff ’s kind of a last-ditch effort.”
“We reached out to Starbucks to see if they’d want to carry it in stores. We pitched it to Dunkin.’ They didn’t bite,” continued Johnson.
It is still unclear how the discovery of 75% milk will affect the dairy and grocery industries. “Nobody really asked for this product,” said Randy Miller, owner of several Kroger franchises. “Maybe it’ll be big. Probably not. But it’s hard to tell.”
The only consumer that could be reached for comment remarked, “that sounds stupid as hell.”
Still, despite the setbacks that marketing 75% milk has caused, the chemists involved remain optimistic. “We’re excited about the possibilities this brings,” remarked Ferguson. “If things go well, we’re even considering adding 2% milk to create 77% milk.”