Smoke Alarm Batteries Sacrificed To Greater Cause

The double-A batteries reportedly died shortly after being transferred to the titillating device.

Sources have confirmed that the batteries contained in 914 Oakland Avenue’s fire alarm were called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice last Saturday night, when housemate Olivia Brown got a little too horny.

Brown was reportedly alone in her room watching Thor: Ragnarok on her laptop when things started getting hot and heavy.

According to witnesses, Brown was overheard panting, “please, just one more minute, don’t die on me now, Daddy,” while the movie played in the background. Sources soon reported a loud shriek of “seriously?,” immediately followed by the sound of a small, silicone object being thrown across the room and landing with a sticky ‘thwack.’

Brown was next seen emerging from her room with a small screwdriver in-hand, stating that “there’s gotta be batteries around here somewhere.” The flushed and frustrated Brown then allegedly reached up for the ceiling’s smoke alarm while whispering, “oh please, please be double-A.”

“I don’t know what’s going on,” said housemate Rachel Evans, “but someone keeps taking the batteries out of all the appliances. Not being able to use the TV remote was bad enough — that is, until I tried using my iClicker during an exam the other day and realized its batteries had been looted too.”

“Batteries cost like $5,” added Evans later. “Like, what the fuck.”

Several housemates were additionally annoyed by what they described to be a “mysterious, incessant buzzing sound emanating from Olivia’s room at all hours of the night.”

Brown was last seen reaching her fifth consecutive climax of the evening using her fully-charged vibrator, as her other housemates huddled downstairs trying to figure out where “that burning smell” was coming from.

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