9 Out Of 10 Dentists Don’t Know Shit About Colgate

Alright fuckers, you might not hear this from us often, but shut your mouths — it’s time to listen. 9 out of 10 dentists buy in to this Colgate conspiracy because they’re hiding a lot from all of you who haven’t stopped to ask questions. That’s why it’s called ColGATE.

Let’s stop for a second and do some basic arithmetic. There’s a little over 200,000 dentists in the U.S. currently. Do the math some more. That’s well over 180,000 of us, standing there lying through our pearly whites. Now let’s do some reverse math. That leaves over 20,000 of us, lurking in the shadows, biting down and staying silent. But the truth is here, and it’s about time you all realized that all these other guys don’t know shit.

It’s every DDS for himself now out there. Many of us have lost friends to them. The 9 out 10 are relentless — these Colgate loyalists won’t stop until they’ve picked us all off. It’s not even safe to see our families, let alone mention the word “Colgate” out loud to anyone. They have puppets in the streets and in our practices.

You people have no idea. You’re scrambling for your free packets of advertised toothpaste that you think will cure some perceived idea of filthy teeth — you’re grasping at three red, white, and blue stripes of a fictional cure to a dark side of dentistry that you could not begin to comprehend.

Do you even know what Colgate-brand sodium fluoride, lauryl sulfate, and hydrated silica can all do to a person when combined? Don’t let their partisan studies and complicated ingredient lists pull the wool over your eyes and stop you from realizing what you already know — that there’s something they’re hiding from you.

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