Constipation No Match For Large Coffee

Witnesses report the epic showdown was short lived.

It is being reported that any type of intense stomach cramping due to constipation can be completely solved by a large, house blend coffee from Espresso Royale.

After LSA freshman Cynthia Tanner reported stomach pain from low feces production, her doctor’s sole recommendation was to drink coffee to help move her bowels.

“I see this happen often with my patients that are college students, not just Cynthia. Many of them told me when they tried to quit caffeine, they quickly realized that they don’t produce stool as frequently,” said Dr. Leonard, local physician. “Before I even prescribe laxatives, I tell them to go to a local coffee shop, take a sip, and let the magic happen.” 

Tanner described going two days without unloading a dump, which brought her to Dr. Leonard in the first place. She then noted that she had the urge to take a deuce within minutes of taking her first sips.

“It was euphoric to poop after such a long dry spell. I was so clogged up, I nearly shed a tear when I saw my dung in that coffee shop bathroom,” she reported.

“It might have come from the dining hall — that chicken tasted funky,” stated Tanner after her large coffee gave her the largest defecation of her life and clogged the toilet at Espresso Royale.

At press time, Tanner was seen encouraging her ailing friend to try a sip of her coffee to induce a number two.

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