Sources have confirmed that the Environmental Protection Agency has unveiled a new line of coal-powered wind turbines to be installed throughout the country.
The turbines, which create huge black clouds of exhaust, function like any other turbines except for the fact that they are entirely powered by coal.
“This new source of renewable energy will work almost three times as fast as wind-powered wind turbines,” said EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler. “The regular wind turbines only worked when it was windy, but good ol’ coal is reliable regardless of the weather.”
“Using coal gives our turbines the extra boost that mother nature just can’t provide,” added Wheeler. “If regular wind turbines produce renewable energy, think about how much renewable energy a wind turbine spinning triple the speed will be able to provide.”
Preliminary studies suggest that each turbine will require over 50 tons of coal per day. The United States Department of Labor supports the new machines, stating that the increased demand in coal will create jobs in mines.
Each turbine will also require around-the-clock workers to shovel coal into an engine room at the base of the tower. The workers will promote efficiency and ensure that each turbine will function for 24-hours per day, even when there is no wind.
While preliminary installations have been successful so far, residents living within a 20-mile radius of the turbines have complained of churning and hissing noises.
At press time, a thick layer of black smog was creeping over the turbine sites.