Sources are reporting that in the minutes leading up to last Tuesday’sStats 250 lecture, freshman DamianWallis somehow grazed his ass on every pair of knees he passed while shimmying through the crowded aisle to an empty seat.
“I could tell he was gonna be trouble by the way he waved to his friend in the middle who was saving him a seat,” commented Laura Sharples, occupant of the left-handed desk and the first victim of Wallis’s caboose caresses.
Some classmates claimed they tried to prepare for Wallis’s arrival but were not successful.
“I thought if I folded my desk down and tucked my knees in, I’d be fine, but no. His butt was so close tome, I thought he was gonna try to sit on my lap,” reported sophomore Kevin Reese.
Multiple other witnesses reported their frustration with having to move their backpacks out of the way and awkwardly pivot their legs to avoid a brush with Wallis’s behind.
At press time, Wallis was seen trying to excuse himself to go to the bathroom.