Yesterday morning, Jamie Kurt, 34, was motivated to get out of bed by the hope that he might find a reason to get out of bed that day.
“I was thinking of all the reasons I should keep going on,” Kurt explained at press time, “and as usual I was coming up empty-handed. So I just thought to myself, ‘what if you find something to be excited about today? That’d be pretty cool, right?’ And I’ve pretty much been relying on that hope for the energy to go out and do stuff.”
When he finds himself preoccupied with feelings of hopelessness, low energy, and self-hatred, Kurt says that he keeps the suffering of existence at bay by remembering the last time he felt excited about a future event and reminding himself that there will “probably be something like that to be excited about sometime soon.”
“Like, this one time in high school,” Kurt elaborated, “there was a whole month where the only thing that gave me the energy to keep feeding myself was the thought that the new Super Mario game was coming out in July. It wasn’t even a great game, but it was enough. I’m sure that if I keep waking up in the morning, sometime soon there’ll be something like that to give me purpose. Who knows, maybe it’ll even be another Mario game.”
Kurt was last seen waking up at 1:30 in the afternoon, staring at the ceiling for thirty minutes, masturbating to nothing, and going back to sleep in his filth until somebody needed him to get up.