Mandated Equal Distribution Of Valentine’s Day Cards Turns Timmy Into Free-Market Capitalist

The necessity of the invisible hand suddenly dawned on Timmy as he handed out candy hearts to his classmates.

Sources at Friedrich Elementary confirmed that Timmy Green was absolutely outraged at the fact that he was required to equally distribute his Valentine’s Day cards to the whole class. Timmy’s teacher, Ms. Holly, announced to the third grade class on Monday that each student would need to bring enough Valentine’s Day cards for everybody to receive at least one.

“Why should I give the crayon-drawings that I spent my precious time and effort on to someone who I don’t even like like,” ranted Timmy during the class free time. “If the ugly kids want to get more cards, then they should just stop being ugly.”

He made it known to Ms. Holly that everyone in the class was already getting a school-sponsored card from her, which was more than enough for the “less attractive” members of the class.

Outraged at Ms. Holly’s belief that every student should have access to the same quantity of cards regardless of their means, Timmy petitioned Friedrich Elementary’s administration asking to be transferred into Mr. Salazar’s class, where the class Valentine’s Day party was heralded as an “open laissez-faire system in which the popularity of the student determined the value and quantity of their cards.”

The administration denied Timmy’s transfer request, citing it as an “immoral power-grab designed to deepen card distribution inequality in an already unjust social system.”

At press time, Timmy was seen begrudgingly returning to class after deciding that he would keep all his Valentine’s Day cards to himself during the party and secretly distribute them to his favorites outside of classroom borders.

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