Report: 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive Still Alive, Just Not Sexy

Despite still having a heartbeat, Elba is reportedly no longer a heartthrob.

The nation is in shock as reports indicate that Idris Elba, People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2018, is no longer worthy of the title.

Elba was found last night in his London mansion alive and well, but missing the staggering sexiness that earned him the nomination two years prior.

“Beauty standards change fast, and what we found hot a year ago is now just not,” said People spokesperson Harry Stein. “Not too long ago, Idris Elba was a dashing prince who could’ve had any woman he wanted. Now, he’d be lucky to get a pity swipe on Tinder.”

Since the emergence of 2019’s Sexiest Man, John Legend, Elba has reportedly been killed in every game of Fuck-Marry-Kill that even bothered to include him.

“Things have changed since 2018 ended,” observed Elba’s friend Jacob Richardson. “Now whenever the boys all get together to hit the bars, Idris is the grenade.”

Elba was last seen on a blind date, seated across from a woman with a bored expression.

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