Last night, an intimate moment between freshman students Craig Wilson and Johanna Beales became exponentially less so the instant Craig retrieved a LifeStyles brand condom from his back pocket.
Beales, upon recognizing the soulless green wrapper of the condom as Wilson fumbled trying to tear it open, couldn’t help but think of how her sexual partner undoubtably got it from his RA’s door, an image which immediately took her “out of the mood.”
“We passed by it on the way back to his room,” Beales explained. “It’s just the least sexy way to get a condom, you know? It’s a painted shoebox filled with the cheapest condoms available and an index card with ‘Have Fun’ written on it in magic marker. It’s like Halloween candy. How am I supposed to be turned on by that?”
When reached for questioning, Wilson expressed similar sentiments.
“These things are uncomfortable as hell, man,” he stated. “Somehow they manage to be too small and too saggy at the same time, and they feel like a Ziploc bag. One time I used a grape flavored one, and my dick was purple for a whole weekend. But it’s still better than buying them at Walgreens, you know?”
At press time, RA Katey Greir defended her choice of condom by claiming “their purpose is to prevent the spread of STIs. You can’t get herpes if the condoms suck so bad that you decide to just cuddle instead. I consider that a win.”
Wilson and Beales were last seen discussing the pros and cons of saying “fuck it” and just going raw instead.