Scientists are confirming that the area third-grader who just drank an entire bottle of Purell, Max Maloney, is at least not going to die from coronavirus.
“99.9% of germs would’ve been annihilated upon first contact with this stuff,” reported CDC associate AmeliaKing. “Unfortunately, so would’ve most mammalian internal organs.”
The elementary-schooler, now in intensive care, was reportedly looking for an easy at-home high that would also protect him from contracting the novel coronavirus. Local physicians were delighted to inform Maloney’s parents that their son hadn’t developed a life-threatening bacterial or viral infection.
“We are pleased to report that the hand sanitizer young Max ingested in copious quantities was well over the CDC-recommended 60% alcohol guideline,”said emergency room doctor Marc Gabron, MD. “We are also devastated to admit that, in this case, that high percentage might’ve actually been a deadly factor.”
At press time, the hospital’s pathologist was relieved to report that Maloney’s internal bleeding was “thankfully not induced by the coronavirus.”
