Although disappointing for many members of the Class of 2020 the cancellation of this year’s graduation ceremony was reportedly celebrated by students with divorced parents.
“When I heard commencement was cancelled, I was practically jumping for joy,” stated senior Jessie Walters, whose parents split after her father cheated eight years ago. “I was dreading for my mom to meet my dad’s new girlfriend, but now she never has to.”
Bill Harrison, another student whose parents separated after years of fighting, was also excited about the cancellation.
“I haven’t spoken to my dad in ten years,” said Harrison, whose mother won full custody. “But a few months ago, he showed up out of nowhere claiming he was gonna come to graduation. COVID-19 really saved me this time.”
The children of divorce cited innumerable benefits of the indefinitely postponed ceremony, including not having to divide time between parents, not breaking into an argument in the hotel lobby, and not having to deal with grudge-holding grandparents.
“Commencement being cancelled is totally worth not having to see my parents try to kill each other in the middle of a steakhouse my dad reserved nine months ago,” said senior Nelly Jacobs.
“I was really worried for my mom to meet my dad’s new family, but now that won’t happen until my brother’s wedding next year,” stated engineering senior Lucy Matthews. “But if I’m lucky, they’ll break up before that ever has to happen.”