Despondent Melania Growing Out Hair In Hopes Of Rapunzel-Style Rescue Attempt From Trump Tower

The desperate First Lady was last seen giving herself blonde highlights to attract passersby.

Fed up with her marriage to the president and years of being in the limelight, First Lady Melania Trump is reportedly growing out her hair with the plan of hanging it out the Trump Tower top-story window in hopes of a Rapunzel-style rescue attempt.

“Take that, Donald,” said Melania Trump, feverishly combing out her floor-length locks. “You run away to Washington? Well, I run away back home to old country. Who laughs now?”

Witnesses report that, after months of treating her scalp with Rogaine and sleeping upside-down, the first lady was finally ready to let down her hair and reel in the hero of her dreams.

“Four years ago, I pray for modern-day Prince Charming, like Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” said the former fashion model as she stuck her head out the window and slowly lowered her brunette mane down to street level. “But now I take anyone. Even sewer rat if big enough.”

“Hey you!” shouted Mrs. Trump between breaths as she blew the hair out of her face to scream at the passerby hundreds of feet below. “Window washer, I see you climb ladder. Now time for climb hair!”

At press time, the exasperated first lady was seen tying a message to a pigeon’s ankle before sending it off into the smog in a last-ditch effort to secure her happily ever after.

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