As Girl Scout cookie season draws to a close, local troops are appearing to grow desperate to meet quotas as their attitudes grow to resemble those of coked-out Wall Street stock traders.
“I was just walking to class when all of a sudden I was surrounded by a bunch of nine-year-olds shoving clipboards in my face, asking how many boxes of Samoas I wanted,” commented junior Alex Beckett. “They were just so frantic and desperate, I didn’t really have a choice but to buy a few.”
“Listen, I know people think this is just some cute way for us to subsidize our allowances,” said area fourth-grader Nina Valdez in between phone calls as she adjusted her sash and wiped sweat off of her brow. “But this is a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m hungry.”
Mother Tracy Valdez commented, “I just think the Girl Scouts is such a great organization for my daughter to learn such important skills as teamwork, self respect, and how to navigate a brutally capitalist system.”
At press time, Valdez was seen hawking a box of Do-Si-Dos at unsuspecting joggers.