I Told You So

Well, well, well. Look what we have here. All you heathens and Satan worshippers were feeling so superior, so high and mighty. You all said I was crazy for preaching about the end of days. You all said I was wrong for telling you that you’re definitely going to hell. But now, in this world’s final hours, with The Almighty Father unleashing a plague upon our land, I can finally say this: I told you so.

I bet you’re regretting social distancing from me now, huh?When you had a chance to heed my cautionary sermons warning you of the ills of homosexuality, you simply laughed and shared my likeness on TikTok. Now, I find you here, on this deserted Diag, scampering back to me with your tails between your legs and groveling at the Lord’s feet.

It was written on the cardboard sign all along, people. Who’s pointing and laughing now? My readings predicted this wrathful sickness would come. If you had minds big enough for my wisdom, you could’ve all been saved. No need for this foolish “isolation”—we could have defeated this thing before it started. Think about that the next time you’re coughing into your elbow.

You godless college kids have lived like hedonists, smoking the Devil’s pot leaf and engaging in lustful acts of pleasure, not procreation! Each one of you — the drinkers and the druggies, the atheists and academics — all will regret not taking my gospel seriously.

For years, students have rushed past me without a care in the world. If any of you had stopped and really listened to my teachings, you would’ve known you could’ve stayed safe from this deadly virus by embracing the word of God. You should’ve heeded my warnings and changed your sinful ways while you still had time. Now, your secular world is crumbling, and I will have the last laugh.

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