Witnesses have confirmed that area man Jacob Newman was seen taking his phone out of his pocket before weighing himself at the gym.
“The phone always makes the number that much higher,” said Newman, failing to realize that the small device’s impact would be negligible compared to the three tubs of ice cream he single-handedly finished the night before.
Newman also took off his headphones, watch, and baseball cap, under the impression that removing these items would stop the scale from showing a number that classified him as dangerously overweight.
“Hm,” said Newman upon seeing the high number. “It’s possible this scale’s broken.”
Reports show that Newman subtracted another pound from his weight to account for the water he drank during his workout.
“I just want to make sure the number is as accurate as possible,” he said, taking off his shoes that weighed less than a pound, a fraction of the entire chicken parmigiana he had saved in the fridge to eat afterwards.
At press time, Newman was seen subtracting three pounds from his weight to account for the clothes he was wearing.
