Nation’s Last Ventilators Used To Keep Stock Market Alive

The stock exchange reportedly had ‘so much more life to live.’

Last Friday, the very last available ventilators in the United States were hooked up to the New York Stock Exchange in order to prolong the life of the American stock market.

Following dire shortages of medical equipment and personnel nationwide, the federal government made the difficult decision to divert the breathing aids away from hospital ICUs in order to intubate Wall Street.

“It was time for us to triage COVID-19 patients in critical condition,” said President Trump. “And in terms of who had the most potential, the economy was clearly most in need of immediate attention.”

Although thousands of Americans were having difficulty breathing at the time, the government made the executive decision to provide respiratory devices for the stock exchange, which was on its last legs.

The White House made plans to care for the health of the economy before the health of its shareholders in the hopes that traders would be able to short the market one more day.

“The Bloomberg terminals were about to flatline,” said NYSE President Stacey Cunningham. “Thank God President Trump swooped in just in the nick of time.”

At press time, the surgeon general was forced to make the gut-wrenching decision of whether to save the NASDAQ or the DOW Jones.

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