Nation’s Men Announce Plans To Start Washing Hands

The men were reportedly even considering using soap.

In light of the recent coronavirus outbreak in the United States, the nation’s men have announced plans this week to begin washing their hands.

“Up until now, I didn’t really see the point in soaping up my hands and running them under warm water for 20 seconds — it just seemed like a waste of time,” said 32-year-old Jason Armuan. “But now, with the coronavirus going around and everything, I don’t see why I shouldn’t do what I can to prevent the virus’s spread.”

Sources confirm that this half of the population, which up until this point had felt no pressing need to rinse off their hands after handling their genitals or wiping, has all-at- once decided it was time to start doing what the other 50% had been all along.

“I’ve always understood why it was something other people might do,” said 72-year-old Markus Rindmeier, referring to the hygenic and socially-expected act of washing one’s hands. “But it wasn’t really the kind of thing I could see myself doing until I saw my life flash before my eyes while reading the COVID-19 death toll in the paper this morning.”

Witnesses report that the sudden change of heart has resulted in numerous unforeseen consequences, including longer lines for men’s restrooms and a need for custodians to start restocking.

“Now I remember why I didn’t do this before,” commented 16-year- old Calvin McGrady upon realizing the bathroom was out of paper towels.

At press time, the nation’s men still hadn’t decided whether they were going to start to flush.

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