Report: 65% Of Students In Remote Lecture Also Masturbating

Multiple seniors were also spotted applying to remote work that would allow them to masturbate in the same place every 20 minutes.

A survey sent out to remote attendees of Professor Brian Colburn’s 10:30 a.m. Linguistics 344 lecture on Monday found that the vast majority of students tuned into the stream were simultaneously masturbating in front of their computers.

The transition to online classes, just one of the University of Michigan’s unprecedented measures to curb the spread of COVID-19, has resulted in the exploration of a new frontier in undergraduate education, as well as a more familiar home front for students.

“[Online class] gives me so much extra time — I don’t need to pack, commute, and unpack just to get to my one lecture across campus,” said LSA sophomore Jessica Anderson. “We clear through the coursework way faster, and I can get off whenever I want since I only need one hand to take notes.”

The mandatory closure of the university’s physical campus had made it necessary for instructors to adapt their lecture material for easy viewing online, with some also extolling the merits of the new format.

According to Biology professor Matthew Brand, the transition was able to both streamline his workflow and satiate all his physical desires.

“The system takes care of most assignments automatically. Plus I can jerk over my lecture slides so I don’t even need to hit the stalls.”

Student Jeremy Wiggins felt similarly positive about the change in instructional modes.

“I’m really only wearing a shirt right now, and it’s DP Anal in one window, Professor Brand in the other. You’re never afforded that kind of pleasure attending lectures in person.”

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