Report: Skeeps Card Fastest Route To A Good Time, Chlamydia

The card is said to streamline admission but interrupt urine streams.

Sources at Ann Arbor’s Scorekeepers Bar and Grill are confirming the sports bar’s coveted “Skeeps card” as the fastest route to both having the night of your life and contracting Chlamydia trachomatis

Numerous Skeeps employees recommend the VIP entrance pass to ensure immediate access to dancing, cheap drinks, and the sexually transmitted infection. 

“A Skeeps card offers a host of benefits, one of which includes turning your body into a host for bacterial STIs,” said venue manager Tyler Sims. 

The card is reported to enable countless college students to skip waiting for hours outside the club and instead maximize their time making contact with infected bodily fluids. 

“It’s a surefire way to bypass the line in its entirety,” said long-time Skeeps bouncer Matt Gopnik, though adding that “your dick might hurt once you’re back on the outside.” 

The dance bar reportedly provides fun-loving Ann Arbor singles the opportunity to “dance the night away” with attractive young peers on regimens of antibiotics addressing their genital pain-related concerns. 

“Oh, hell yeah,” said junior Matt Bozeman, thumping the Block M on the wall as he made his way towards a particularly irresistible asymptomatic partner. 

A follow-up study has since designated hitting up Rick’s as the quickest course to needing an emergency contraceptive by the end of the night. 

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