Sources have confirmed that the single crumpled tissue in 24-year-old Greg Farrell’s pocket is gonna have to pull some serious weight during his Saturday night screening of The Fault in Our Stars.
The woefully unprepared Farrell was reported to have realized his mistake during the opening scene.
“I heard the first few notes of Ed Sheeran’s ‘All of the Stars,’ and there went the waterworks,” said Farrell. “My snot was spewing everywhere, but all I had in my pocket was a candy wrapper and this old tissue with a piece of gum in it.”
Farrell reportedly knew he was in trouble when the tissue was already soggy after just one use.
“Uh-oh, this bad boy is going to have to last me for the next two hours,” said Farrell, panicking as he inspected the damp Kleenex for dry spots.
Farrell ultimately decided to take a methodical approach, rationing out each of his boogery blows across the tissue’s scant corners and edges.
“You could see big, green mucus patches oozing out of the tissue and Hazel hadn’t even met Augustus yet,” reported Farrell’s brother, Sam. “That blubbering idiot should’ve at least tried to find some two-ply.”
At press time, Farrell was seen wiping his eyes with a Kroger receipt he found in his wallet as Augustus said, “Maybe okay will be our always.”