In an effort to increase efficiency in the coming 2020–21 academic year, Michigan Dining has announced that it will be replacing the entire South Quad Dining Hall with a massive 250-ft x 1-ft food trough.
“We believe that this new initiative will result in drastically shorter lines and overall less wait time for students dining with us,” said MDining representative William Shirley, referring to the trough containing 1,870 gallons-worth of liquified meals into which students will be expected to submerge their heads in order to eat.
“It works in the farming industry, so we don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t work for the Leaders and the Best, too,” Shirley later added.
MDining has also assured students that the state-of-the-art box, nearly as long as a football field, will have no negative impact on the variety of meal options many Wolverines have come to know and love.
“At first I was worried about being able to observe the dietary requirements of my religion,” said student Krissy Sayad. “But then one of the dining hall workers pointed me in the direction of the new halal station, conveniently located along the very last four feet of the foodway.”
“The trough is a godsend,” commented dish room employee Brandon Jacobs. “At the end of the night, all we have to do is hose that baby down. Plus, having students eat face-first from a chute means we no longer have to worry about silverware.”
At press time, MDining was contemplating replacing Blue Cafe with a wading pool full of hot coffee.