Waldo Found Dead At 47

The EMTs reportedly couldn’t find his pulse.

Recent reports from the San Francisco Police Department have confirmed that two officers have finally found Waldo from Where’s Waldo? fame. Police discovered the red-striped corpse at 4 am among a crowd of hundreds of people packed tightly together.

The search for the killer continues as police attempt to track down their two main suspects, Wenda and Odlaw, who have been known to travel with Waldo frequently to fantasy locations. Police have been frantically searching photos with them and Waldo, but their whereabouts remain unknown.

“I always enjoyed spending time looking for Waldo when I was younger,” reported funeral attendee Spencer Kindlet. “I just got too busy as I got older and I had to stop looking. I just know I could have stopped this if I found him one time.”

Police were first informed of Waldo’s murder much earlier in the day. Several search parties were sent out, but they spent hours frantically searching before finding anything.

“Nobody knew where Waldo was for these past few months, but seeing him turn up like this is pretty damn sad,” said San Francisco police officer Graham Howden. “Our suspects have traveled with him to Hollywood, the beach, the moon, the Land of Waldos, medieval times, Ancient Rome, and even the circus. We’re doing our best to track them down.”

At press time, the police chief’s seven-year-old daughter was seen identifying Waldo in the evidence photos with incredible accuracy and speed.

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