As United States coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket into the hundreds of thousands, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lab responsible for running tests admitted yesterday that it had had “positive” and “negative” mixed up this whole time.
“We were under the impression that ‘positive’ was a good thing and‘negative’ was a bad thing,” said CDC representative Jack Zielinski, referring to the gaffe that led to the exposure of millions of Americans to the virus.
“Based on the traditional meanings of those two words, that is what made the most sense,” Zielinski later added.
Sources confirm that the blunder has led to widespread confusion and panic, as well as the sudden swapping of medical equipment between non-infected and infected patients.
“I was in the ICU hooked up to the ventilator for a week — they told me I only had a few days to live,” said patient Olivia Chon. “Next thing I know, they’re unstrapping me from the machine and telling me to ‘walk it off, champ.’ Turns out the pneumonia and lung failure were all in my head.”
At press time, the CDC was seen doing a 180 and announcing that“everybody needs to be wearing a mask,” in contrast to its announcement that “nobody needs to be wearing a mask,” just last week.