Sources have confirmed that the empty Michigan Union is deeply regretting its decision to open itself up to people.
“CAPS keeps telling me that I need to let down my walls and be vulnerable to letting people in,” reported the Union. “Well, guess what! I did, and, surprise surprise, now no one wants me. I’m just this pathetic mass of brick that no one dares to step into.”
The building, which reopened in January 2020 after extensive renovations, suddenly saw a sharp decline in students in mid-March.
“I worked on bettering myself for so long and didn’t expect to be everybody’s cup of tea. It just hurts knowing that everyone fled the entire campus just to avoid me,” said the Union through muffled sobs.
The tearful building noted particular regret at the fact that students didn’t get to experience all of its new restaurants yet, stating, “I had so much more to offer, but no one bothered to truly get to know me.”
“I knew they hated me,” said the Union. “Why else would students stop coming to me? I’m ugly and annoying and a burden on this earth.”
At press time, the Union was seen wiping its tears with unused Taco Bell napkins.
