Mutated Coronavirus Now Makes Old People Stronger

The novel-er strain of the virus was described by some older patients as‘ revenge.’

Nursing homes across the country have reported that, though the coronavirus has run rampant through their at-risk communities, residents are becoming more powerful than ever before instead of getting sick.

“Things are getting out of control here,” said Carol Bains, CNA at Brandywine Senior Living. “We haven’t been able to control the spread of the virus, nor have we been able to control our tenants ever since they contracted it.”

“I was worried after hearing about potential cases at Brandywine, so I went to go check in on my nana,” said Rachel Perkins. “I found her doing one finger push-ups in the common room.”

The tenants have reportedly unlocked abilities far beyond human imagination.

“I haven’t felt like this since my 20s!” remarked 87-year-old resident Douglas Smith, as he single-handedly tossed a grand piano across the foyer.

“I can walk again!” said Great Uncle Louis, standing up from his wheelchair and sprinting to the bingo room at Mach 5 speed.

“I don’t need my glasses anymore,” said Grandma Lucille, as lasers shot from her eye sockets.

Old Man Stevens was unable to be reached for comment, as he had begun hovering above his walker, muttering unknown incantations under his breath.

At press time, the most vulnerable members of society included anyone under the age of 70.

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