Noting that he was “almost done,” President Donald J. Trump confirmed on Wednesday that he only had 5,987,632 more emergency stimulus checks left to sign before they could be sent out to the American public.
Witnesses report that the $2.2 trillion holdup comes at a time when millions are running out of food, and the president is running out of cute ways to cross the ‘t’ in his signature.
“I’m just about finished,” said the president in a recent White House press briefing, three full weeks after the coronavirus relief bill’s passage.
According to sources at the IRS, the president was absorbed in the critical task ahead of him, methodically tracing his John Hancock onto each and every one of the millions of remaining checks in thick black Sharpie.
“I don’t understand what’s taking so long,” said citizen Douglas Shepherd, as President Trump added giant cursive loops onto the checks, which would have been exactly the same without his name on them. “At this rate, I’ll have racked up $1,200 in debt just while waiting by the mailbox.”
“These stimulus checks are the biggest, best bailout this nation has ever seen,” said the president, whose handling of the COVID-19 outbreak was one of the worst leadership failures in American history.
At press time, Vice President Mike Pence was carefully licking each of the outgoing envelopes shut.