This past Tuesday, a local cluster of bed bugs reported an infestation of one gigantic bed man.
The bed bugs, which have inhabited the bed for about six weeks, reported great alarm and discomfort at the arrival of the unwelcome guest. “During the daytime, we’re in the clear. But at night, this smelly gargantuan practically smothers our entire living space,” said the entire insect commune in unison.
“This is freaking ridiculous! I just want to sleep in peace!” added Bed Bug #266. According to other bed bugs within the bed, the bed man appears uninvited every night, almost completely naked, to the great discomfort of all involved.
Some bedbugs have expressed desire to exterminate the 180-pound pest from their home, arguing that the situation will only grow worse if they wait.
“We have no idea how fast it can reproduce,” mentioned Bed Bug #445. “So we should probably nip this thing in the bud.”
At press time, all 500 bed bugs in the bed were seen clambering on top of the bed man while he slept, in hopes of draining all of his blood.