Hardly a week after placing their new sofa in the living room, the residents of 107 Packard Street have allegedly “already started using their couch as a napkin,” according to concerned neighbors.
Resident Dave Glaser was reportedly spotted “wiping Cheeto dust on the armrest like he was finger painting,” according to roommate Elsa Conrad, adding that he was “really getting in there.”
Glaser admitted it’s “just too easy to skip the napkin in favor of the couch,” after being accused of “smearing that shit around like da Vinci working on the Starry Night.” by his other roommates.
“You’re there and you’re looking at the paper towels. They’re on the counter, maybe five feet away. But the temptation to do a quick one-two on the futon is so strong,” said Glaser.
“I wish I could say it was a one-time thing,” admitted Glaser. “But in the moment? When it’s just you, some crumbs, no napkin, and this soft, available couch? Man, it’s not even a choice.”
At press time, Glaser was seen dropping half a sandwich on the carpet and reportedly rubbing it in instead of cleaning it up.