Entire Nation Breathing Into Brown Paper Bag

Man breathing into a paper bag frantically

Sources are confirming that the entire United States has resorted to breathing into a paper bag in efforts to cope with the current state of the world.

In response to the onslaught of bad news this year, the nation has resorted to recycling its carbon dioxide in a brown paper bag.This strategy became popular during COVID, as people’s mouths remained covered during hyperventilation.

Recent reports reveal that all 330 million Americans are starved for oxygen, either as a result of respiratory issues due to the coronavirus, smoke inhalation from wildfires, or in anticipation of the upcoming election.

Though numbers initially began rising in mid-March, data confirms a recent spike in paper bag usage since the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court.

“I’ve gone through every anti-anxiety med on the market. This seemed like the last viable option,”explained Darcy Maxwell, 32, gasping for breath between puffs from the bag usually reserved for carrying her lunch to work.

Dr. Eli Winston of the Mayo Clinic claimed that hyperventilating into the bag is a “completely safe and normal reaction to these uncertain times,” as he nervously reached for his own personal stash.

At press time, the entire country was seen heaving and retching, preparing to throw up

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