Finally Able To See The Board Without Your Ass In The Way, Lecture Hall Chair Goes On To Ph.D.

A university official awarding a Ph.D. to a lecture hall seat.
The chair has since fielded offers for teaching positions at a number of high ranking institutions.

Remote teaching at the University of Michigan has left most university buildings empty, and lecture hall chairs across campus are reaping the benefits of being able to see the board at a top university.

Under social distancing guidelines, many of the chairs in classrooms and lecture halls must remain empty. “This policy is having a positive impact on the academic success of the chairs,” commented LSA Dean Anne Curzan. “Typically, no chairs sit for exams; they are sat on. This is all changing.”

“Now that I can actually see the board, I finally get psychology,” said a chair in Mason Hall. “I feel like I understand people so much better now.”

“I never knew chalk came in so many colors,” commented a chair from CHEM 1800. “It really brings the lectures to life.”

Invigorated by the lack of ass, one chair in particular has decided to pursue further education. “I just got accepted into an Economics Ph.D. program,” said a chair from Lorch Hall excitedly. “I’m so grateful for this opportunity. It’s just so great not to have anyone’s sweaty ass in my face anymore.”

One professor expressed concerns about chairs helping the students cheat, but many of the chairs don’t think this will be a problem. “Chairs have a high level of academic integrity,” said a Weiser Hall chair. “We would never compromise the value of an education.”

As reports anticipate a continuation of distance learning, the chairs look forward to furthering their education in Winter 2021

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