22-year-old Ron Brown discovered this weekend that his grandfather, a man he previously considered to be stoic and sexless, may not be a virgin after all.
“Gramps has always been kind of an old bag. As long as I can remember, at least,” remarked Brown. “Probably before that too. Just kind of moseys around and eats his lemon pancakes. Sometimes goes to play Gin Rummy with Larry next door, or spends an afternoon working through a bag of sourdough pretzels. I guess I just assumed he’s always been like that, you know?”
“But then we’re all sitting around, Gramps is sipping on some prune juice, and he just says this line about how pretty the women were in Vietnam. It was like he’d dropped a goddamn bomb, I was so shook. Grandpa, thinking women are attractive? I’m thinking, ‘oh my God,’ he had to have done it for dad to have been born. This guy? Seriously?”
“I mean, this is a guy who spends his days bumbling around with a metal hip, talking about wars I’ve never heard of, and spilling soup on himself, and now I have to deal with the fact that I wouldn’t even exist if he hadn’t done some serious ugly bumping,” explained a distressed Ron Brown.
At press time, Brown’s friends were considering letting him know that his mother was also not a virgin at all.