LSA Senior Max Lopez and his housemates were reportedly dismayed this past month to find out that the old house they moved into on Packard Street contained only one devastatingly small toilet.
Since making this shocking discovery, Lopez has been grappling with the reality that he may not have a peaceful pooping experience for months to come.
Exiting the bathroom visibly shaken, Lopez said, “It’s just this tiny circular hole. How am I supposed to contort my body to be able to sit on this tiny donut seat?”
It’s become clear that the Packard pooper problem has impacted Lopez’ whole house. In response to this hardship, Lopez’ roommate John Thomas has been learning to defecate with precision accuracy.
“The seat is so small, there’s such a small window for me to land my logs, there’s no margin for error,” said Thomas as he swished a poop clean through the grapefruit sized hole.
“This thing is a foot off the ground. Was this house built for a child?” Lopez questioned, whose feet still haven’t regained blood circulation since his last trip to the toilet.
People in the house have had to adopt various strategies in response to the insufficiencies in their toilet. “I’m going on a juice cleanse,” said Lopez, “I’m doing everything I can to avoid having to poop in that bathroom. I think my roommate John has started pooping in installments throughout the day so that the toilet doesn’t get overwhelmed.”
At press time, Lopez was seen digging a hole in the backyard in an apparent attempt to construct more comfortable pooping accomodations in the elements.