After undergoing an extreme makeover in response to his vote of no confidence, University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel is back and more confident than ever.
“A few weeks ago, the faculty passed a vote of no confidence,” said Schlissel. “I took it to heart; they were right! I don’t have enough confidence! Therefore, I decided to step back, re-evaluate my physiological features, and revamp my look.”
Provost Susan Collins reportedly assisted Schlissel with his two-week transformation from nervous Nellie to certified Instagram baddie.
“Collins helped me pick out a tailored Fendi suit, recommended me to a plastic surgeon for hair implants, and fixed my posture,” Schlissel reported as he balanced a stack of books atop his newly thick head of hair.
“Schlissel was a hottie lamati with a swimmer’s body, he just didn’t know it yet,” Provost Collins commented. “All I did was help him learn how to strut his stuff.”
Preliminary faculty votes have been increasingly positive, suggesting that Schlissel’s new spray tan and dazzling white teeth are “working their magic.”
“Once he took off his glasses, it was like he was a whole new man. This new and improved Schlissel exudes confidence,” remarked one faculty member at a recent meeting.
At press time, witnesses overheard Schlissel exclaiming, “I’m back and better than ever, baby. It’s time to let my freak flag fly!”
