Stay-At-Home Order Changes Little For Eric

Eric sitting at his desk
The student was grateful that his laziness finally had a legal justification.

The campus-wide emergency stay-at-home order was a shock to many students, but changed little for LSA junior, Eric Samson.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like I was doing much,” said Samson, recently seen wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, both with obvious food stains. “I was definitely planning on going on a date or something, but now I can’t because of the stay at home order. I was totally going to do that if that hadn’t happened,” he continued.

“There is no way he was going to get a date,” said Jessica Forester, Samson’s roommate. “He has not left this apartment for months. And he leaves his room for food and the bathroom only, sometimes in just one trip.”

Forrester later elaborated on why this new policy won’t necessarily affect her roommate: “This Stay in Place order isn’t really for Eric; it’s for the students that gather in groups and have reason to leave their home for non-essential trips. It shouldn’t really make any difference in Eric’s life.”

Samson was contemplating taking his first shower in several weeks, but reportedly decided against it after the order came into effect.

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