COVID-Conscious Party Serves Experimental Drug Cocktails

The part was neither FDA- nor CDC- approved.

Last Friday, a party described by attendees as “COVID-conscious” reportedly served an extensive variety of experimental drug cocktails.

“We can definitely still have parties during a pandemic, but we have to be safe,” said junior Abbie Wilson, the party’s host. “Everyone there sampled from at least a few types of tentative COVID-19 treatments, so I’m sure we’ll be fine. It was so refreshing to get a break from wearing a mask, social distancing, and avoiding contact with people who tested positive.”

Students at the party were reportedly seen grabbing fistfulls of pills from a bucket without washing their hands, and grinding on those from different quarantine bubbles.

“Some random girl downed four shots of Remphigolitoxin and chased them with Proprarotene,” said junior Dan Moss, one of the partygoers. “Right before she did it, she yelled, ‘If the FDA can’t figure out what works, I will!’”

The number of cases tied to the party has not yet been released, but students who attended are optimistic that their approach far surpasses the work of experts. Some have said that despite their novelty, COVID cocktail parties are “safe” and “the new normal.”

“Not every drug is 100% effective, but as long as you serve a wide variety of drugs, you can probably fill in the gaps,” said sophomore Zack Anderson, another partygoer. “Why social distance when you can just pop some acetotoxyamiphil?”

At press time, attendees of the party were heard referring to masks as “so last wave.”

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