Local Conspiracy Theorist Really Overestimating Competence of Federal Government

Government protester
Those fearing authoritarian action overlooked the statistical improbability of any action at all.

It was revealed late Wednesday evening that local conspiracy theorist Curtis Trainor was severely overestimating the competence of the federal government.

“They’re going to microchip the coronavirus vaccine so they can control us and trick us into voting for their liberal agenda,” said Trainor, obviously unaware that Washington has been struggling for months to pass even a basic stimulus package.

“They’re all in on it, Pelosi, Schumer, probably Anderson Cooper too,” said Trainor while tweeting furiously about the deep state. “But they’re not gonna get me. I’ve been training to fight off a government takeover ever since that Obama-guy got ‘elected.’”

This behavior is nothing new according to University of Michigan psychologist Bella Smith.

“We see this a lot with disillusioned voters,” said Smith, aggressively rolling her eyes. “People like this believe the government is out to get them because they don’t realize that most congressmen are too incompetent to even dress themselves in the morning, much less start a worldwide disinformation campaign about the shape of the Earth.”

At press time, Trainor was overheard explaining how Joe Biden’s aloof, confused demeanor was actually a means of covering up his participation in a worldwide sex trafficking ring.

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