Scientists at Pfizer are reportedly “super pissed” at rival company Moderna for ruining the pharmaceutical industry’s curve after their COVID-19 vaccine was announced to be 5 percent more effective.
“We worked really hard to get our 90 percent,” said Dr. Mikael Dolsten, one of the leads on the vaccine trials, “but of course those show-offs had to come and ruin things for everyone. Those kiss- asses really made it harder for the rest of us, which is annoying.”
The scientists claimed it was “totally unfair” that Moderna’s solid 95 percent COVID-19- prevention success rate raised the global standard for a vaccine and thus crushed Pfizer’s chance of coming to the rescue of the vulnerable population.
Dr. Tal Zaks of Moderna responded, “It might not seem like a lot, but the more effective our vaccine is, the more I get to mess with those chumps at Pfizer. Ever since they beat us in volleyball at the pharma picnic, I’ve been plotting my revenge.”
Dolsten replied, “We had to pull an all-nighter to get our efficiency to 95 percent and we ran out of coffee in hour three of the study session. We, like the American people, have suffered in pursuit of a superior vaccine.” He was later seen eagerly tossing back a Five Hour Energy.
At press time, Pfizer announced that their vaccine also had 95 percent efficacy and that Moderna can “suck nards.”