Popular senior Ryan Stevens tested positive for coronavirus this morning but is confident that it was totally worth it.
“Dude, I threw the most epic party the other night, but then I woke up yesterday and I couldn’t taste anything when I ripped my Juul,” said Stevens, blaming his fever on nicotine withdrawals. “Honestly, I’m not mad about it. The party was sick. The place was crawling with girls. Plus, next time I go out, I’ll be able to take tequila shots without tasting them.”
Mac Wallace, who affectionately refers to Stevens as “boss man,” could not hide his admiration for the coronavirus-riddled man who is currently responsible for 75 girls across three sororities being in quarantine.
“The party looked sick! He managed to make getting the virus look cool,” said Wallace, blushing in admiration. “Now everyone’s trying to test positive so they can tell people they were there too.”
Bethany Mitchell, who talked to Stevens the next day before he tested positive, feels differently about Stevens. “I can’t leave my room for two weeks because of this asshole,” said Mitchell, canceling all of her plans. “Now he’s live on his Instagram while getting rushed to the ICU. He’sgotten three new followers just in the time it took for nurses to roll him down the hallway.”
At press time, Stevens was seen taking a selfie while being put on a ventilator.