Skater Eats Shit In Middle Of Diag

Carter was last seen skating back toward the Diag, evidently hungry for more shit.

Witnesses report that area skater Dylan Carter “ate absolute shit” on his longboard while skating through the University of Michigan Diag.

Sources confirm that Carter, while attempting to execute a kickflip, missed his board entirely, and ate the pavement hard, sustaining minor scrapes and bruises on his arms and knees. Passersby on the Diag pointed out that the amateur skater was choking back tears as he got back on his feet.

“I don’t know what hurt more,” said witness Anna Barton. “The pain from his cuts, or from the humiliation of faceplanting in front of all those people.”

Others noted that although the inexpert thrill-seeker was wearing a helmet, he was not, in fact, wearing a mask.

“I wish he would have had a mask on. It would have been good for him to stay safe as he was getting his ass owned by gravity,” said Peter Tolles, who saw the event.

After his embarrassing fall, Carter reportedly headed to Ragstock to purchase baggy clothes and ripped hoodies to recover by means of retail therapy.

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