Scientists and aviation experts across the nation have recently released a new finding from their collaborative research, concluding that 90% of airplane turbulence is caused by pilots receiving road head.
“Tumultuous air currents are way less common than they seem,” commented Felix Wilderman, a pilot for Delta Airlines. “It’s kind of something we in the industry exaggerate to explain the loss of motor function when the pilot’s getting his dick sucked.”
“We never actually needed two pilots,” said Matthew Wilkinson, a United pilot. “I mean, yes, it’s good to have another pilot in case of an emergency, but more often than not, the co-pilot is just there to take over when the real pilot is on the receiving end of some sloppy toppy in the driver’s seat.”
Passengers on American Airlines flight #2282 from Chicago to Denver last week were “rattled” by the intense turbulence they experienced during the flight. “I was definitely much calmer when I realized that we weren’t in that much danger — someone was just absolutely going to town on the pilot,” said Matthew Maggio, a passenger on the flight.
“It definitely made sense,” noted Camille Walker, another passenger. “When we all got off the plane, smiling and saying, ‘Have a fantastic trip!’ to everybody as they left, he seemed to be in a really, really good mood.”
Etymology researchers that collaborated on the project have used these findings to confirm how the pilot’s seat became known as the cockpit.