According to a new report by the Associated Press last Monday, there is a 100% chance that a 90% effective vaccine will be released exclusively to the top 10% of the world’s population, divided accordingly by the GDP of the world’s countries.
AP spokesperson Bill Grady defended the study, saying, “We came to the conclusion using a complex calculation of different variables and factors,” adding “it’s virtually guaranteed that the 90-95% effective vaccines being produced by Moderna and Pfizer will be given exclusively to the richest 10% of the global population.”
Grady added that “we at the top of the food chain will certainly feel for the rest of the world,” but, he added, “the rest of those losers can suck it. I’ll be conglomerating with strangers at football games and sucking down a jumbo bag of popcorn that I’m sharing with everyone around me by the end of 2021.”
Robert Redfield, head of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), explained last week that “this data shows that most Americans can expect for life to return to some form of normal by next year’s end,” he clarified, “the other 90% of the world, however, will just have to get over it.”
At press time, the AP was seen attempting to calculate “the crumbling socioeconomic standing” of “the millions of Americans that do not have access to healthcare” in the study.