Dismayed after failing in the Electoral College, Trump has petitioned to change the electoral vote tally to “No Record COVID.”
“This semester has been totally unfair,” said President Trump, who is currently on pace to only win a failing 43 percent of the total available electoral vote. “With all these lockdowns, I haven’t been able to do any of the things that help me to do well in the Electoral College.”
It appears that the president does not feel he needs to show grades on his transcript that he feels are inaccurate.
“These results are clearly fraudulent. The professors had it out for me all along,” said the president, logging on to Electoral College Access. “All my people were telling me that I was doing well, and I know I was, and when I know, I know. I see no need for these fake grades to be reported on my transcript.”
However, in private, those in the president’s inner circle are less than sympathetic to his attempt to hide his performance.
“All he had to do was get 50 percent of the votes. A 270 is not that hard to achieve,” said an anonymous academic and electoral advisor. “Even if he tries to cover up his vote total everyone’s going to know that it’s covered up because he did badly.”
At press time, the president was seen grading his own assignments to show that millions of deductions on his exams were made illegally.