Witnesses report that after a particularly fraught COVID-19 diagnosis, Andrew Miller’s stoner friend told Miller that COVID shouldn’t make him anxious, he just “got the wrong strain.”
“You should really try this new strain, B.1.1.7 from the U.K. or whatever, it has mega chill vibes,” Michael Yu, Miller’s friend, said as Miller’s oxygen dropped to dangerously low levels. “My buddy had your normal, run-of-the-mill COVID and he bugged out too, but then he got the new variant and it’s been smooth sailing.”
Yu reportedly assured Miller that although his stress-induced heart palpitations and intense fear of intubation “totally sucked,” they didn’t mean that the teen should “swear off ” COVID for life.
“People always give up on COVID because they have one bad experience, but I think they just haven’t found the strain that’s right for them,” added Yu. “You just have to find what you vibe with man, you know?”
“Dude, I promise, just try the other strain and you’ll be fine. Regular COVID affects your brain but B.1.1.7. is like, more of a body experience,” said
Yu as Miller cried about potentially spreading his illness to his parents.
At press time, Yu was overheard convincing a hyperventilating Miller to try the “dope” new South African variant.